The Boring Twenties (Or, “I’m out of college, so now what?”) May 16, 2013

No one prepared me for real life.

No one prepared me for cubicles and overtime and moving back into my childhood bedroom.  No one prepared me for hangovers and yuppie bars and bridal showers and babies.  I just woke up one day, and there I was: 24 years old, sitting in an 8-by-8 cubicle with a terrible hangover, looking forward to Deep South Ghost Hunters on Saturday night.  Seriously?  How does this happen?

I don’t really know how people judge the success of a 24-year-old these days, but I’m pretty sure I’m not the barometer.  Watching Jeopardy on a Friday night with a wheel of Brie in your parents’ living room doesn’t exactly scream “success.”  When the highlight of your weekend is curling up in a Snuggie to catch up on three hours of Dance Moms re-runs, then it’s obvious that your life is not exactly on the up and up.

This isn’t how I expected to spend my twenties, either – watching Law & Order: SVU marathons with a quarter-pound veggie burger in my greedy paws.  No way!  I was eager for my twenties – eager for what everyone promised would be the best, most exciting years of my life.

Back in college, I pictured myself living in Europe or road-tripping across the U.S. or joining the Peace Corps.  I thought I’d be making bank and bar-hopping every weekend and considered cool.  In reality, I live at home, I eat cheese on Friday nights, my younger cousins think I’m old, and more than three drinks in one evening will put me on the bathroom floor with my phone in the toilet.

I feel like life is trying to catapult me from 22 to 45 years old in the blink of an eye.  What happened to the years I was promised – those free-wheeling, crazy days of gluttonous fun and Roaring Twenties-esque frivolity?  These awkward, transitional years feel nothing like that.  Now I find myself wondering what LMFAO is talking about in their latest song and when I’ll stop feeling so confused all the time.

The best part about growing up is not doing it, and most weekends, I’m still ready to party like it’s 1999.    But is this now, for some absurd and unfounded reason, considered “wild” or “immature”?  What if life as a 24-year-old is supposed to be startlingly similar to life at 45?  What if this is it?  Do I have to spend the rest of my years getting excited about wooden cutting boards and gift cards to Crate & Barrel?

Maybe, at some point, I’m just supposed to accept life as a 24-year-old 45-year-old.  I’ve heard that some twenty-somethings do this.  And for those people, I have a few important questions.

What is a Lazy Susan really, and what do you use it for?  Are couples required to take engagement photos in a public park?  Why do wedding invitations come in 15 envelopes, and why do babies look like aliens?  If I post about my workouts on Facebook, will they become less hateful?  And if I post pictures of the food I make, will it become less like a frozen pizza?

Is IKEA a fun place to go on a Saturday night?  Can one actually call ones significant other “hubby” without vomiting?  Have cardigans become acceptable club-wear?  And, most importantly, can we have alcohol at your baby shower?

Read more RWR’s

L’oeil de chat May 13, 2013

Well you can tell Brigitte Bardot that she and her cat’s eye are en sécurité.  For now.

Mother Nature’s Maid is hot on the heels of Mlle. Bardot and her bold, flashy look of the 1960s.  That’s right – we’re whipping up a Bardot-inspired face that’s not only striking, but completely natural.  By the time I’m done, you won’t be able to tell the difference between me and-

Ok, I’m just getting reports that this blog is being routinely fact-checked.  So, as I was saying…I might not look exacty like Brigitte Bardot, but I have almost mastered her cat’s eye…and with all-natural makeup, no less!  Read on – this is pretty cool.

I was actually nervous to attempt this homemade product.  Eyeliner seems to be such an exact consistency that I feared no natural alternative could ever replicate it, and anyone will tell you that I am very painstaking with my cat’s eye.  Inferior liners just won’t do.

I had activated charcoal fighting in my corner and convincing evidence that it is a safe, natural product.  What I didn’t have was any real hope that it would hold a candle to my Maybelline or even work at all.  I was in for a surprise.  And a pleasant one…for once.

All you need is a toothpick, a frozen blackberry (or plain water), and activated charcoal (NOT scraped from the bottom of a grill).  It’s that simple.  I broke one of the activated charcoal capsules into a small bowl and let the frozen blackberry melt a bit in another.  Taking the toothpick, I dipped one end in blackberry juice and then in the charcoal.

It goes on quite smoothly, although not as thoroughly as store-bought.  I had to keep re-dipping the toothpick and reapplying to get the thickness and length I wanted.  Any amount of extra fussing like this does not bode well for a flawless cat’s eye and, sure enough, mine turned out a bit smudgier than I usually allow.  But overall, I was quite impressed.

I admired my handiwork in the mirror; I called my mother over to the table to show her my success (and to assure her again that activated charcoal would not render me blind…probably).  I actually looked like I had used real liquid eyeliner!  Hooray!  (Just allow me to indulge in a successful product for a moment; I rarely get this opportunity.)

If you’re thinking eyeliner, I’m thinking charcoal May 11, 2013

My mom thinks charcoal is taking the natural kick one step too far.  She thinks you shouldn’t put charcoal near your eyes because what goes near your eyes can get in your eyes, and you don’t want to mess up your vision.

Good point?  Clearly a good point.  Mothers know everything, and they’re like walking warning labels.  One of my aunts has all the latest information on fresh food recalls and the 10-step process for washing produce.  And there’s my friend’s mom, who has a good five reasons why you should never stand in front of the microwave.  And then there’s my mom, who cautions against pulling over for police officers in remote areas and rolling down the car window too far when asking for directions.

I can’t be positive why my mom is so concerned about charcoal, of all things.  It may have to do with the fact that I arrived home the other day with a large bottle of activated charcoal capsules, claiming that I was going to make homemade eyeliner.  That just may be what set her off on that kick.

And, really, who wouldn’t go on a kick about eye makeup made from charcoal?  The idea of putting something you scraped off the bottom of a grill onto your eyelid is really quite disturbing.  First of all, it’s a situation that has conjunctivitis written all over it.  And do we even need a second-of-all after that?  So, in an MNM first, I decided to figure out what exactly I was cooking up before I slathered it all over my face.

The activated charcoal I have for eyeliner is not actually the same as the refuse in the bottom of your grill.  Though, in a way, it almost is; activated charcoal is just regular charcoal that has been processed to become porous.  This makes it good for removing toxins and apparently odors, as well.  (I know you’re thinking what I’m thinking…charcoal deodorant!!)

The first surprise about buying activated charcoal is where to find it in the store.  You don’t go to the outdoor section, and you don’t go to the grilling section.  You go to the vitamin aisle.  That’s right – activated charcoal is safe to eat.  In fact, it’s widely touted for a variety of medicinal uses.

But just because you can eat something doesn’t mean you want to dump it in your eyes.  I’m thinking Tabasco sauce, horseradish, OldBay.  Except in this case, it seems you can dump…and in large amounts.  A search for “activated charcoal” and “eyes” yielded results for homemade pink eye remedies, even charcoal poultices that could be left on overnight.  One site described a charcoal eye rinse – as in, charcoal in the eye, not just on top.

This research has been enough to convince me that homemade activated charcoal eyeliner is, in fact, quite safe.  But, I’d still check with your mom before doing any experimenting; it’s always important to read the warning label.

Five for Fighting May 3, 2013

Because when your makeup looks like this, you know you’re doing it right!

For years I’ve been trying to piece together exactly how someone as awesome as I am could remain dateless for the better part of some 25 years.  I’ve just got so much going for me.  After all, how many people can boast a successful 6-month stint of no deo?  (Ok, “successful” is a relative term.)

People kept telling me, “It’s your face, it’s your face.  You have to do something with your face!”

What’s with my face?  What do I have to do?  What could my face have to do with getting dates?  I just couldn’t see a connection.

Until Mother Nature punched me in the eye.  Now I see it beautifully.  Well, maybe “beautifully” was the wrong word there…because there is nothing beautiful about what I find in my morning mirror.

What I’ve learned from a good fistfight with Mother Nature is that a nice black eye beats a bare eye any day of the week.  After all, a purple bruise may be unsightly, but at least it covers up some of those things that you don’t have going for you.

So what does Mother Nature have to offer in the way of eye makeup?  Well, blueberries, obviously!  Dip a Q-Tip into the melted juice of a frozen blueberry, dust it with some cornstarch, rub it into your skin, and you’ve got a Grade A purple bruisy-looking eye.  Ok, so you’re not into the penalty box look?  I’m not either; it’s just that the blueberry is all I had on hand.  The real point of the experiment is that blueberry juice stains skin!  I first got the idea for frozen fruit makeup from “Easy to be Raw,” and it seems the possibilities are endless.  Blueberry might make you look like you’ve had a run-in with the wrong side of a baseball bat, but imagine strawberry or raspberry.

If you’re looking for more earthy tones (as if anything could be more earthy than fruit…), turn to cocoa powder.  Remember how MNM tackled homemade foundation?  The same principles apply to eye shadow.  Pick the shade you want – it can be anything cocoa powder and lighter (if you want darker than cocoa powder, you might try activated charcoal).  Just mix the cocoa powder with corn starch until you reach your desired shade, and then apply with a Q-Tip.  Spirulina is also touted by hippie bloggers as a natural powder that will produce green shades, if that’s more your style.

Luckily, I don’t use eye shadow every day, because the whole frozen berry rolled in corn starch routine would probably add another 20 minutes to my chemical-based 5-minute-face look.  But trust me, these natural methods will cover up whatever facial oddities are ailing you.  Of course, if all you need is some cover up, you could always try my natural concealer, because that’s been oh so successful.  Or, on second thought, you might be better off just getting punched in the face.

Dust my face (with a Swiffer) April 25, 2013

Well I don’t foresee natural makeup going much farther than June 7.  I mean, it’s fine for now – it’s not like I have coconut oil in my hair – but I can’t get 100% next to Maid Up.

How I feel some days with powders caked all over my face.

As you know, there are certain all-natural and homemade products that I can really get excited about (think – chapstick, bodywash, perfume…), but this makeup regimen is just not doing it for me.  The makeup just involves so much…so much…powder.

First there is the healthy dose of loose powder foundation, and when I say loose I mean cocoa powder flying around the bathroom in a giant dust cloud and landing in pale, gritty clumps on the front of my clothes.  (Don’t tell my mom, but it gets all over the bathroom counter…)  If I breathe in, I choke myself.  It’s like applying makeup with a crop duster; I just close my eyes and hope for the best.  BUT – at least I don’t have to worry about chemicals; I just have to be careful not to asphyxiate myself.

Next comes the “concealer.”  I put concealer in quotes because, let’s be real, it doesn’t work.  When you first put it on, it looks promising – very light and shiny like it will brighten your eyes and cover your pimples.  FALSE.  This look fades.  So you spread it out as best you can and then dump on more powder.  And you dump more and more.  But don’t get carried away or you’ll hit the snag of too much powder on top of powder on top of “concealer,” and things will start to solidify in heavy clumps.  And that’s when you wipe it all  off and start over (or give up and use chemicals for the day).

However, if you give up and go back to chemicals, the store-bought cover-up you’re used to will, interestingly enough, underperform.  I’ve found that my Maybelline concealer does not work as well on top of all the powder of my natural foundation.

Powder.  Powder.  Powder.  Sound familiar?  Why, yes it does, MNM.  It reminds me of your horrible experiences with dry shampoo.  That’s exactly what I thought.  Remember working in the sandbox?  This is like working in a mudbox.  Sometimes, I’ll rub my eye or scratch my nose and find colored powder stuck to my fingers.  I get more gunk under my nails when I spend a day wearing natural makeup than when I spend a day at the barn.  Forget natural makeup remover to clean my face off – I’d be better off using a Swiffer Duster.

Despite this, Maid Up has not proved to be as excruciating as the Mother Nature’s Maid challenge.  First of all, I’ve given myself two full weeks to develop and deal with new products.  Second, makeup just doesn’t have as fundamental a part in my life as, say, toothpaste or deodorant.  And I’ve found that failures and subpar products are easier to deal with when there’s no danger of greasy hair or body odor.

The invention of natural concealer April 22, 2013

One thing I wish I’d known before the invention: It is impossible. 

The natural concealer I am currently using is a clumsy excuse for a makeup product.  It’s a 2-step process that doesn’t work great and is really finicky.  After applying my powder foundation, I start by dabbing on some of the concealer paste.  Before it dries completely, I dip a small brush into a second foundation powder that’s a shade lighter than the first and pat that on overtop.  After this second powder, you cannot touch your skin, because any aggravation to the concealed area will cause the makeup to clump like oatmeal.

This is how well the homemade product works: Yesterday, I applied it to one eye and asked my friend Carrie to identify which eye was concealed and which was plain.  She guessed the wrong eye.

That said, it still works a heck of a lot better than the first four recipes I concocted.

Attempt 1: Jojoba Oil, Sandalwood EO, Aloe Vera Gel, Water, Homemade Foundation. 

The making: This is a recipe I found all over the internet.  The idea is to take some powder foundation and mix it with oil to make a nice concealer.  The problem – all the examples I found used store-bought foundation.  The oil overpowered my homemade foundation, and no addition of water of AVG could mellow it.

The final product: The powder settled at the bottom like a miniature tan sandbar in an ocean of yellow oil.  It separated on my face into water, powder and oil.  By the time I threw it out, it slid into the trash can in one disgusting clump like a slippery mold.

Attempt 2: Homemade Foundation, Homemade Lotion, Water.

The making: A second recipe that I found all over the internet.  According to all the tutorials that described mixing powder foundation with lotion, this is a foolproof method.  Apparently, it’s only foolproof if you’re using store-bought products.  This one had a nice consistency – light and fluid – but nothing to glue it together.

The final product: While I achieved an almost perfect consistency in the mixing bowl, it didn’t stay that way on my skin.  Like Attempt 1, Attempt 2 separated on my face.  The lotion and water disappeared, and the powder clumped into dry un-spreadable mounds.

Attempt 3: Aloe Vera Gel, Water, Isopropyl Alcohol.

The making: This is a recipe I concocted after I’d already begun to get frustrated, and it shows.  Despite the new ingredients, it turned out much the same as Attempt 2.  It was a nice consistency, but the powder settled in the bottom and separated from the liquid.

The final product: Like I experienced with Attempt 2, this recipe separated and clumped on my face.  Literally nothing was achieved.

Attempt 4: Water, Vegetable Oil, Glycerin, Guar Gum, Homemade Foundation.

The making: Was frightening.  It started out promising, but things went south.  Some animated stirring produced a thick, viscous, gelatinous material horrifyingly similar to my Dog Slobber Soap.  I just can’t get next to putting anything of this consistency on my skin.  On the plus side, the color was quite perfect.

The final product: Was disgusting.  No, seriously…this ish was nasty.  It was like putting dense slimy pudding on my face that dried in sticky clumps.  In the end, I found it congealed in its dish, wiggling like Jell-O every time the dogs ran through the kitchen.  I could turn the dish upside-down and the stuff wouldn’t even budge.  Just plain gross.

So if you see me in the next few months and my face looks like a train wreck, don’t be at all surprised.  Look at what I have to work with.

Wednesday Morning at 5 O’Clock as the Day Begins April 15, 2013

Billy Campbell, I need your help.  You, John, George, Ringo, and anybody else who helped you. 

You must know all about concealer.  After all, you did win the Paul McCartney look-alike contest, and subsequently succeeded in convincing the entire world that you are actually Paul when, in fact, (SPOILER ALERT!) the poor man died in a tragic car accident at 5am on Wednesday November 9, 1966.

Now the “Paul Is Dead” rumor, like all thrilling Hollywood rumors, is supported by a solid body of compelling (one might even say indisputable) evidence.  Did you know they also say Elvis Presley is alive?  Going to Starbucks and taking advantage of early bird specials at Denny’s just like he’s a regular guy.

But what I need from Billy is his concealer recipe, and honestly, I’m not that picky – I’ll take anything.  At first I had my heart set on something useful, something effective, something marketable.  Now I’ll settle for anything that doesn’t look like cat vomit.

Making homemade concealer is proving more difficult than finding a date to prom in a high school that knows you as “the crazy horse girl.”  I could probably conjure up gold faster than I can whip up an all-natural concealer.  Every attempt I come up with turns out more unappetizing than the last.  It’s like that meatloaf I attempted last weekend.  It comes out a strange consistency, looks startlingly like something that does not belong outside the human body, and (for some reason) no one wants to try it.

And it doesn’t help that my old standby for all-natural recipes – the omnipotent internet – seems remarkably quiet on this front.  I’ve scoured reputable hippie homemade sites for days, and I’ve yet to find a recipe that does not involve store-bought powder foundation or a bunch of oxides.  Turns out that in the world of homemade cosmetics, oxides are king – titanium di-oxide, zinc oxide, iron oxide, you name it.  However, there must not be an incredible demand for the oxides, because they’re not available in my local Walmart.  Thus, they have been deemed “inaccessible.”

After a good five attempts, the product I ended up settling on is one that, in all honesty, doesn’t work great and is a heck of a lot more difficult to apply than my preferred store brand.  My measurements are very approximate, because by the fifth concoction, I had begun to mix ingredients quite haphazardly.

• ¼ tsp cocoa butter
• 20 drops Vitamin E Oil
• 1/8 tsp Guar Gum
• 3/8 tsp Corn Starch
• Pinch of Cocoa Powder
• ¼ tsp zinc oxide cream

Probably not Billy Campbell’s exact recipe, but the color is a bit gray, so I’ve got to be somewhere close.  Turn me on, dead man.