Anybody who says going shampoo-free is easy is a big, fat liar. I don’t know who these people are who claim their hair took to No ‘Poo in the first washing, but they are hoodwinkers. Going shampoo-free is not easy – in fact, it’s arguably the hardest thing I’ve done since I had to parallel park in my driver’s exam. Going poo free has been a colossal, greasy, dusty thorn in my side for about two weeks now, and it’s driving me insane.
My morning routine goes something like this: I wash my hair and dry it. Not one minute after, it’s a grease-pack – it looks like I just poured a can of WD-40 on it. The look has literally NO redeeming qualities; it makes my hair stiff and dank and altogether unpleasant to touch, look at or wear on my head. Who lives like this??
Next, I feel the need to apply dry shampoo (corn starch or baking soda), in order to soak up the over-exuberant oils.
This, people will tell you, is also easy – but they lie. How much do you put on? How do you put it on? How do you work it in? How do you get it out? You think you’ve got questions??? Imagine how I feel standing in front of the mirror facing hair that’s been dunked in an oil tanker and an office full of people who are going to see that hair. And I’m supposed to fight back with what? Powder? That’s like giving Marie Antoinette a Super Soaker and sending her out to meet the peasants. (Speaking of Super Soakers, I could really use one full of shampoo and pointed at my head. Either that or a fire hydrant.)
With no Super Soakers or fire hydrants readily available, on goes the powder. I sprinkle, rub furiously and shake it out. Then more powder. Then more shaking. More powder. More shaking. Powder. Shake. Seriously – at 7 o’clock in the morning, this gives me a headache. Back to the mirror; hope fades. The powder makes me look like the filter of a Bissell vacuum cleaner.
But minutes (and options) run out, so we go with the best case scenario, and these days it’s been nothing short of a powdered wig. I have gray hair and brown roots, all covered in a liberal dusting of baking soda.
And you thought I was being facetious when I said “No ‘Poo Nightmare.” I am very, very serious.
This morning I lost it. As in total meltdown. I ended up pouring about half a pepper shaker’s worth of corn starch in my hair, and when I wasn’t satisfied with that, I followed with another half shaker of BS. When all you have is powder, your best offense is overkill.
My hair looked like a dead person’s. I grabbed a bottle of shampoo. (It felt heavenly in my hand.) I was on edge, and if I didn’t have my hair cleansed soon, there would be no telling where the end of the day would find me. At that moment, I realized time was up and I had to leave. Up went the hair; away went the bottle. Luckily, the tears were minimal.
Needless to say, tonight I went back to the drawing board, after inordinate amounts of ice cream. I read anything I could find on home remedies for oily hair and found three basic solutions: vinegar, lemon juice and tea. At nearly 1AM, I’m one vinegar rinse down, and I’m (so absurdly) sorry to say that it fixed nothing. I’m trying tea in the morning.
And in happier news, I…I…I….bah, who needs it? The first happy thing I want to see tomorrow is de-greased hair!