Mother Nature is a Matchmaker (and other jokes)

There has been some skepticism of late about a horrifically negative effect that Mother Nature could potentially have on the Maid’s ever-lively love life.  While I will not begin to postulate from which corner of the room these suggestions came – I would hate to put anyone on the spot (Favorite Aunt #1, Favorite Aunt #2 and Mother Dearest) – I must say that I feel these anxieties are not only immaterial but simply unfounded.

For anyone who may be worried that this experiment will find Mother Nature’s Maid desperately alone 30 years from now in a puddle of grease and a bubble of body odor, I will suggest that you may simply not have considered all the facts.  There are several important reasons why I believe that Mother Nature is not throwing my love life under the bus, but actually giving it a hefty boost.  Trust me – guys totally dig natural girls.  Consider these truths:

  • Truth #1 – Men hate to bathe.  And who won’t nag them about bathing?  A girl who fears showers because of lingering scars from a homemade shampoo experiment gone wrong.
  • Truth #2 – Men hate to hold hands.  With my homemade lotion recipe thickly applied, I challenge any guy to even try to get a grip on my slippery paws.
  • Truth #3 – Men need lotion sometimes, too.  But most girls only have “Sweet Pea” or “Cherry Blossom” scented moisturizer to lend.  Not to worry – after steeping for several weeks in an ex-salsa jar, my lotion gives you soft hands AND a craving for Taco Bell.
  • Truth #4 – Men love to go without deodorant.  Well I think I’ve just found something we have in common – and I have the pit stains to prove it!
  • Truth #5 – Men are flustered by feminine-looking products.  Luckily, my entire beauty line is housed in recycled food containers.  Do I plan to eat a bagel on the toilet?  Of course not – I just need to reapply my deodorant, which is hidden in this cream cheese tub I’m taking to the bathroom!
  • Truth #6 – Men love science.  Let’s talk about the pH balance of hair over dinner and a movie.
  • Truth #7 – Men love stenches.  Six words: I treat body odor with vinegar.
  • Truth #8 – Men hate needy women.  After six months with Mother Nature, I’ll be perfectly appeased by a 16oz bottle of chemical-based, lab-tested, scientist-approved shampoo.
  • Truth #9 – Men hate conversing.  I can’t even open my mouth with my mossy nature teeth and my agonizing canker sore.  How’s that for chit chat?
  • Truth #10 – Men hate getting phone calls from sobbing girls.  Actually, I meant to delete this one from the list, because I can almost guarantee there will be another hair meltdown before this is all over.  I may not be able to talk, but I can bawl into a cell phone receiver until your unlimited minutes run out.

But maybe you don’t like these relationship prospects for the nature girl.  Maybe you don’t want the type of guy who digs a girl who sweats more than he does and has a stronger stench to boot.  Are you a lost cause?  Of course not – Mother Nature has prepared for you!

If you’re still worried that I may be felled by my beauty challenge, I offer essential oils for your consideration.  These half-ounce bottles are not cheap, but they pack a fragrance punch that’s more lethal than Evander Holyfield’s right hand.  However, if used properly, just a few drops of essential oils can make an incredibly effective perfume.  Here’s a recipe I adapted from some perfume-making tips in Herbal Well-Being (it’s a fresh and light citrus scent that I call $80…No. 5 was already taken):

  • Sandalwood Essential Oil: 5 drops
  • Lemongrass Essential Oil: 4 drops
  • SweetOrangeEssential Oil: 4 drops
  • Lavender Essential Oil: 5 drops
  • Spearmint Essential Oil: 1 drop
  • Jojoba Oil: ½ oz.

Of course, I don’t know why you would even use perfume when Mother Nature has paved the way so effectively with the mossy teeth and the body odor and the greasy hair.  Some girls just don’t understand guys!


10 thoughts on “Mother Nature is a Matchmaker (and other jokes)

  1. YOU are beautiful inside and out even with BO, greasy hair, greasy skin, canker sores and mossy teeth! BUT no worries MNM … with all the time you put into your research, shopping for supplies, brewing, testing then retesting (and sometimes retesting again…) then blogging you have no time for a potential love life anyway!! jkjkjkjk

    • Haha thanks for the vote of confidence!!!! As for time – you’re right – I have absolutely none anyway (and Lord help the mister who comes between me and my blog)!!! But like I’ve told Aunt S and Mommy, now that I consider it, this dude will likely be unappealing in so many ways, I think I’d rather leave him…. Thanks for reading every day 🙂

    • As I said to Aunt S – he most likely will have an unusual aroma, mossy teeth, and a habit of not bathing… I don’t think he’ll make it to meet the fam. Glad you got a kick out of the entry!

    • Definitely true! Plus, I’m really convinced that my homemade perfume will last me for a while. Everything is in such deceivingly small quantities – the essential oils, the jojoba – but it only takes a dab or two for my skin to pick up the scent, so I’ve actually only used a few drops of each essential oil and I only use a few drops of the perfume every time. I do want to try to experiment with a body spray too, though – something that’s not as heavy/oil-based. Thanks for reading!!!!!
      PS – Your book is a life-saver!!!!

  2. Tout d’abord, I wish to say that you chose a great picture for today’s topic, very accurate! I just love the film.
    Then I must state I agree that definitley natural girls/women seem to attract boys/men – must be due to biological and/or evolutional reasons. However, I am not concerned about you at all because I know that you know what you are doing. No matter what you look or smell like, you for me will always remain the freaky and sometimes a little crazy, but most of the time wonderful, funny and warm-hearted girl I met too many months ago in Annecy. Keep everything up and don’t forget to skype me soon please!

    Concerning your truths about men, I would like to comment on them as follows:

    #1: You should see one very famous German sketch in which two men from the upper class (managers or CEOs) coincidently meet and discuss so funnily about very trivial things – all in a bathtub! Even if you don’t understand, just watch:

    #2: Are you sure?

    #4: This might be due to the fact that they run out of deo because they have spent all their money on other things (cars, beer or soccer tickets e.g.) 😀

    #6: You’ve become a scientist, too! 🙂 Thus, best chances for you!

    #8: Being in need always makes attractive. Men wish to protect women, evolutional fact as well!

    #9: I would love to hear from you soon! Men hate conversing? –> moi, pas du tout!

    Je t’aime bien !

    • Haha I love your analysis of my Truths! (esp the sketch…didn’t understand the German, but it was funny!) Thanks for the encouragement!! I’ll definitely have to get on Skype more often! Thanks for reading 🙂 (PS – Annecy definitely was TOO LONG AGO)

  3. Oh this entry makes me feel soooo much better about your future. Maybe you should skip the essential oils and let your natural pheromones take over.

    • See? No need to worry – I’ve got this under control. Someone will be chasing after me in no time, I’m sure. Probably someone who smells….and has mossy teeth….and doesn’t bathe…..

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