There has been some skepticism of late about a horrifically negative effect that Mother Nature could potentially have on the Maid’s ever-lively love life. While I will not begin to postulate from which corner of the room these suggestions came – I would hate to put anyone on the spot (Favorite Aunt #1, Favorite Aunt #2 and Mother Dearest) – I must say that I feel these anxieties are not only immaterial but simply unfounded.
For anyone who may be worried that this experiment will find Mother Nature’s Maid desperately alone 30 years from now in a puddle of grease and a bubble of body odor, I will suggest that you may simply not have considered all the facts. There are several important reasons why I believe that Mother Nature is not throwing my love life under the bus, but actually giving it a hefty boost. Trust me – guys totally dig natural girls. Consider these truths:
- Truth #1 – Men hate to bathe. And who won’t nag them about bathing? A girl who fears showers because of lingering scars from a homemade shampoo experiment gone wrong.
- Truth #2 – Men hate to hold hands. With my homemade lotion recipe thickly applied, I challenge any guy to even try to get a grip on my slippery paws.
- Truth #3 – Men need lotion sometimes, too. But most girls only have “Sweet Pea” or “Cherry Blossom” scented moisturizer to lend. Not to worry – after steeping for several weeks in an ex-salsa jar, my lotion gives you soft hands AND a craving for Taco Bell.
- Truth #4 – Men love to go without deodorant. Well I think I’ve just found something we have in common – and I have the pit stains to prove it!
- Truth #5 – Men are flustered by feminine-looking products. Luckily, my entire beauty line is housed in recycled food containers. Do I plan to eat a bagel on the toilet? Of course not – I just need to reapply my deodorant, which is hidden in this cream cheese tub I’m taking to the bathroom!
- Truth #6 – Men love science. Let’s talk about the pH balance of hair over dinner and a movie.
- Truth #7 – Men love stenches. Six words: I treat body odor with vinegar.
- Truth #8 – Men hate needy women. After six months with Mother Nature, I’ll be perfectly appeased by a 16oz bottle of chemical-based, lab-tested, scientist-approved shampoo.
- Truth #9 – Men hate conversing. I can’t even open my mouth with my mossy nature teeth and my agonizing canker sore. How’s that for chit chat?
- Truth #10 – Men hate getting phone calls from sobbing girls. Actually, I meant to delete this one from the list, because I can almost guarantee there will be another hair meltdown before this is all over. I may not be able to talk, but I can bawl into a cell phone receiver until your unlimited minutes run out.
But maybe you don’t like these relationship prospects for the nature girl. Maybe you don’t want the type of guy who digs a girl who sweats more than he does and has a stronger stench to boot. Are you a lost cause? Of course not – Mother Nature has prepared for you!
If you’re still worried that I may be felled by my beauty challenge, I offer essential oils for your consideration. These half-ounce bottles are not cheap, but they pack a fragrance punch that’s more lethal than Evander Holyfield’s right hand. However, if used properly, just a few drops of essential oils can make an incredibly effective perfume. Here’s a recipe I adapted from some perfume-making tips in Herbal Well-Being (it’s a fresh and light citrus scent that I call $80…No. 5 was already taken):
- Sandalwood Essential Oil: 5 drops
- Lemongrass Essential Oil: 4 drops
- SweetOrangeEssential Oil: 4 drops
- Lavender Essential Oil: 5 drops
- Spearmint Essential Oil: 1 drop
- Jojoba Oil: ½ oz.
Of course, I don’t know why you would even use perfume when Mother Nature has paved the way so effectively with the mossy teeth and the body odor and the greasy hair. Some girls just don’t understand guys!