He Only Wants Me For My Dry Cleaning

Last night I went on a date with yet another dry cleaner.

I honestly don’t know how they find me – he’s the fifth dry cleaner to take me out in nearly as many days.  Either this new circa 1995 hairdo is really working for me, or news of my sweat stench struggle has made its way through the dry cleaning community.  It’s probably the latter; after all, it’s been 17 years since anyone appreciated a circa 1995 haircut.  I knew it was too soon.

At first I wasn’t suspicious.  I never really wondered, “why are all these dry cleaners after me?”  I just thought, “wow, dry cleaners really must be stuck in the ‘90s, which is a plus, because this new hairstyle is getting zero interest from anybody else.”  It wasn’t until Dry Cleaner #5 that I realized what was going on.  I had gotten up from our table to use the bathroom (discreetly taking a lemon wedge with me so I could reapply some form of deodorant).  I came back to the table to find #5 with his nose in the armpit of the jacket on the back of my chair.

“What are you doing?” I demanded.

He dropped the jacket back on the chair, plunked a fifty down on the table and looked me square in the eye.

“You’re a dry cleaner’s dream, alright, but you’ve got a bigger problem than I can fix.”

Well, guess what Dry Cleaner #5 – and #1, #2, #3, and #4 – if you think you’re going to use me to get to my dry cleaning, you’ve got another think coming.  First of all, I’ve found some home remedies for my sweat stench that are really working for me.  Second of all, I’ve found a deodorant that doesn’t even leave sweat stench.  And third of all, Dr. Bronner has come back to the rescue, and he’s still my main squeeze.

In the past 2 months, I’ve done an inordinate amount of research on sweat, sweating, deodorant and body odor, and I’ve begun to consider myself something of an expert.  But one thing that escaped me was all 18 uses of Dr. Bronner’s Magic Soap.  Turns out use #7 is deodorant!  After reading a few testimonials online, I was off to the races.

I still use my spray (vinegar or lemon juice) at night, either after a shower or before bed.  Then in the morning, I just take a cotton ball with a few drops of Dr. B’s Castile and spread it all over both armpits.  I let that dry for a moment or two and follow with a quick dab of my regular powder.

Works like a dream.  Even my mom admitted that the pit I offered to her nose smelled almond-fresh, even after a full day.  And I think this new system could help to keep sweat stench out of my clothes – perhaps even dry clean items.  Of course, it doesn’t smell as strong and fresh as traditional deodorant, but I’ve learned to expect that by now.  Right now I’m using Dr. B’s straight, but I plan to experiment with watering it down and mixing it.

So delete my number from your phone, because I am no longer entertaining all you guys who just want me for my endless supply of dry cleaning.

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4 thoughts on “He Only Wants Me For My Dry Cleaning

  1. A breakthough – and your reading public is ecstatic about your success!!! (Those who live in close proximity to you and your armpits are relieved as well.) Way to stick with it!!!

  2. How are your armpits holding up to all the vinegar, lemon juice and now Castile soap? And thank God for mothers…who else could you get to smell your pits!

    • Not so fast! I’ve just noticed that Dr. Bronner’s leaves a yellowed mark under my tshirts 😦 It’s easily washed out with just water – after all, Dr. Bronner’s is soap – but I worry what it could do to my DCO garments. I would much rather not sweat at all than deal with these deodorant woes!

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