Hello there! Let’s imagine that we know each other.

Here! Just try it!

Hello there!

(Let’s imagine that we actually know each other, and I haven’t approached you at the supermarket in an unusually enthusiastic manner.)

Could I offer you an Altoid?

(Let’s imagine that you say “yes.”)

I excitedly hand you what appears to be an ordinary jar of what I go on to explain are my favorite peppermints.

(Let’s imagine they’re your favorites, too!)

You open up the jar and – Shazam! – you’ve been hoodwinked!  No peppermints!

(Let’s imagine that you love a good hoodwinking, and you’re laughing rather than looking like you want to hurt me.)

Well I know there aren’t any peppermints – please calm down.  I promise you’ll like this just as well!  It’s homemade chapstick made from all natural ingredients.  I’m giving up beauty products for the next six months – Mother Nature’s Maid!

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

No, no, I didn’t just microwave an old lip balm – I actually made this from scratch.  It wasn’t very hard, as a matter of fact, and it definitely wasn’t as hard to mix as my lotion was!

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

First you melt your beeswax in a double boiler.

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

Then you add in a solid oil and melt that.

(Let’s imagine that you don’t walk away.)

Then you add your liquid oil, mix it all well and take it off the heat – it’s important not to let the mixture boil.  Once you see it start to thicken, pour it into your jar – or recycled Altoid tin!

(Let’s imagine I’m not following you down the beauty aisle proffering my rose-tinted concoction in your direction.)

Don’t buy that – it’s full of chemicals!  And I have the recipe for my all-natural, homemade chapstick right here!

  • 1 tsp beeswax
  • 1 tsp coconut oil
  • 1 tsp olive oil
  • ½ tsp beet juice

(Let’s imagine that I don’t snatch the commercial lip balm from your hand and replace it on the shelf, and let’s pretend you don’t make a snide comment about dirty hippie tree huggers.)

The color is the easiest part!  Just a little bit of beet juice – yes, regular beet juice – mixed in well, does the trick beautifully.

(Let’s imagine I’m not sitting cross-legged in your cart, clinging to the sides as you try to capsize me and all your groceries in the laundry aisle, while I shout, Don’t tip me out!  You’re going to hurt someone!  You’re a crazy person!)

This really is just like regular chapstick, except a bit softer.  Here – try a fingerful!  No, really – put some on!  Just do it!  Come on!  Oh, come on!  Just try a little?  It’s all natural – all good stuff in here!  Here – just…one….bit – there, got it!

(Let’s imagine that you haven’t called a security guard, and I am not being escorted out of Walmart waving my recycled Altoid tin in the air above my head.  And let’s imagine there is not a sizeable sweat stain under my right arm.)


6 thoughts on “Hello there! Let’s imagine that we know each other.

  1. Laughed out loud all the way thru this post – one of your most entertaining yet!!! And the lip balm is nice too. Win – Win – All the way around on this one dearest maid –

  2. Dear Maid,

    Your lip balm is one of your best efforts so far – I really like it, and almost can’t wait till winter to put it to the ultimate test. Seems like you have a real nack for making lotions, and even the one lotion you made that you weren’t happy with is actually the very best ointment I have ever used for dry nasal passages, ever, and I’ve tried everything commercial that’s available and even some natural remedies that I read about. Your’s beats everything else, hands down ….. it really works! Don’t lose that formula, and don’t give it out, ’cause you could sell it! Keep up the good work!!!

    • I’ve actually found a fondness for that lotion as well – I like to use it on heels and elbows as a softening treatment. And I must agree that nothing works better than Olive and Coconut Oil to lock in moisture! Perhaps my “failed” first lotion attempt could become the next best “Neosporin!” Some of the best inventions were invented by mistake, after all!

  3. OK…here comes another warning from your worry wart aunt…maybe you shouldn’t be using your fingers to apply your balm since it does not contain preservatives. Otherwise it sounds like a winner. Does the beet juice give your lips color?

    • As we’ve since discussed, the beet juice does not really give my lips much color. But I’m thinking that if I used it in a more concentrated form it might work better. I think I’ll look into that this week: What can I mix beet juice with to form a nice lipstain? I’ve heard glycerin, but having none on hand, I’m looking at things like Aloe Vera and Olive Oil…..

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