Hello there! Let’s imagine that we know each other.

Here! Just try it!

Hello there!

(Let’s imagine that we actually know each other, and I haven’t approached you at the supermarket in an unusually enthusiastic manner.)

Could I offer you an Altoid?

(Let’s imagine that you say “yes.”)

I excitedly hand you what appears to be an ordinary jar of what I go on to explain are my favorite peppermints.

(Let’s imagine they’re your favorites, too!)

You open up the jar and – Shazam! – you’ve been hoodwinked!  No peppermints!

(Let’s imagine that you love a good hoodwinking, and you’re laughing rather than looking like you want to hurt me.)

Well I know there aren’t any peppermints – please calm down.  I promise you’ll like this just as well!  It’s homemade chapstick made from all natural ingredients.  I’m giving up beauty products for the next six months – Mother Nature’s Maid!

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

No, no, I didn’t just microwave an old lip balm – I actually made this from scratch.  It wasn’t very hard, as a matter of fact, and it definitely wasn’t as hard to mix as my lotion was!

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

First you melt your beeswax in a double boiler.

(Let’s imagine that you asked.)

Then you add in a solid oil and melt that.

(Let’s imagine that you don’t walk away.)

Then you add your liquid oil, mix it all well and take it off the heat – it’s important not to let the mixture boil.  Once you see it start to thicken, pour it into your jar – or recycled Altoid tin!

(Let’s imagine I’m not following you down the beauty aisle proffering my rose-tinted concoction in your direction.)

Don’t buy that – it’s full of chemicals!  And I have the recipe for my all-natural, homemade chapstick right here!

• 1 tsp beeswax
• 1 tsp coconut oil
• 1 tsp olive oil
• ½ tsp beet juice

(Let’s imagine that I don’t snatch the commercial lip balm from your hand and replace it on the shelf, and let’s pretend you don’t make a snide comment about dirty hippie tree huggers.)

The color is the easiest part!  Just a little bit of beet juice – yes, regular beet juice – mixed in well, does the trick beautifully.

(Let’s imagine I’m not sitting cross-legged in your cart, clinging to the sides as you try to capsize me and all your groceries in the laundry aisle, while I shout, Don’t tip me out!  You’re going to hurt someone!  You’re a crazy person!)

This really is just like regular chapstick, except a bit softer.  Here – try a fingerful!  No, really – put some on!  Just do it!  Come on!  Oh, come on!  Just try a little?  It’s all natural – all good stuff in here!  Here – just…one….bit – there, got it!

(Let’s imagine that you haven’t called a security guard, and I am not being escorted out of Walmart waving my recycled Altoid tin in the air above my head.  And let’s imagine there is not a sizeable sweat stain under my right arm.)