Romance didn’t die; it just got corny

I know I risk coming across as heartless on this RWR, but trust me – I’m really not this cold.  Actually, I’m a lot worse….

Five attempts at romance that make me want to vom.

1. Carrying my shopping bags

I honestly don’t know why guys do this. Do they really think it’s romantic? Do they think it’s cute? It’s ridiculous is what it is. What do I do when you’re not there to carry my bags? Get them hopelessly tangled in my hands? Leave them at the H&M register when I pay for my new skirt? When you’re not there, I do the unthinkable – I carry my bags myself. I know it sounds polite and cute, but I really don’t need you following me around Target like a pack mule, carrying everything from my purse to my frappacino to the sixth pair of jeans I plan to try. First, it doesn’t seem fair. Second, you’re probably the worst shopping partner ever. Boys never know what looks cute, they never know if this pink goes with that orange, they don’t know what it means when an outfit “works” and they always have to use the bathroom. It’s not romantic, it’s not cute. Avoid the shopping bags, and avoid shopping with me altogether.

2. Showing up at my door in the middle of the night

We’ve all seen this in the movies – the couple has a ridiculous fight that ends in shouting, tears or both, and they go their separate ways. In the middle of the night – she is awakened by a knock at the door. Who could it be? Not even worrying whether or not it’s a murderer, she answers in full makeup, and there stands Romeo – breathless – declaring that he can’t rest until he tells her he loves her. Let’s get one thing straight, if you’re waking me up in the middle of the night, then you better have fire or flesh-eating disease to back it up. And you can bet I’ll show up at that door with a baseball bat or a butcher knife in my hand. And then there are the pajamas: I’ve probably got on my oversized Fantastic Fitness Club 1998 shirt and a pair of basketball shorts; my bangs are probably standing on end, and I’ve probably got sandy eyes and midnight mouth. Trust me – nothing you have to say could be so important it can’t wait until morning.

3. Touching my face

Oh this seems so romantic when Mr. Darcy does it – ever-so-lightly brushing Elizabeth’s cheek before he says “I love – I love – I love you.” Really, though: the facial caress, the hair-push-back – it’s all so overdone. It’s about as clichéd as holding hands, watching a sunset or kissing in the moonlight. Bring your meaty paw up to stroke my cheek, and nine chances out of ten, it will turn into something awkward, like you poking me in the eye. And don’t even come near my hair. I don’t need you to brush my bangs out of my face. In fact, I probably took pains to get them the way they are. Not to mention, the facial caress always comes after the guy has stared at the girl for a good long look-see. Don’t stare. It’s not romantic. It’s just uncomfortable.

4. Professing anything in the pouring rain

I just recently saw this on a TV show: The couple was in separate cars; rain was coming down in absolute buckets. Naturally, at a time like this, emotions run rampant. The girl gets out of her car – she’s soaked within a minute – and implores the guy to get out of his car as well (she knocks on the window). They profess undying love. Now here we are – both parties soaked to the core – in love, but soaked to the core. Now what? In the movies, they cut away, but in real life you can’t do that. Do you just get in your separate cars and go home as planned? Or, since you’re now in love, do you both get in one car? But then – whose car bears the brunt of all the rain-soaked clothes and shoes and feet? Why is rain supposed to make things more romantic anyway? It frizzes my hair out, so if you knock on my car window to profess your undying love in the pouring rain, you can bet I’ll stay inside the vehicle.

5. Flowers

I know I’m going to get a lot of flack here, because I know there are tons of girls who disagree with me on this, but I had to include it. Don’t get me wrong – I love flowers just as much as the next guy – a good potted geranium or a full-figured hydrangea bush. But “romantic” bouquets are just not my thing. I’m not saying I’ll puke all over a bouquet of flowers if you give them to me, but I don’t find them to be romantic. And if you’re going to get me something that will die in a week, make it a goldfish – I’ll get much more enjoyment out of that. It’s just that flowers are tired and overdone, and when you show up at my house for our first date with a half-dozen roses, I have to stop, exclaim over them, drop everything and find a vase, which I probably have up on a high shelf somewhere if I have one at all, which means I either do the whole step-stool thing or I put your well-intentioned gift in a recycled Big Gulp cup. Now that’s romantic.

Check out Sarah Heyward’s article that got me thinking about romance vomit.

Read more of Rachel’s Weekly Ruminations

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11 thoughts on “Romance didn’t die; it just got corny

  1. Wow….you sound extremely bitter. I wonder how much better you would feel if you spent the same time and energy writing about things that you like/make you happy than whining about stuff you dislike. Yikes.

    • As one who knows the Maid rather well – I can assure you she was being humorous. Don’t think she has a bitter bone in her body. But – speaking of bones – you may want to be sure your funny bone is still intact.

      • PS Even though you didn’t enjoy the Maid’s sense of humor – I KNOW she appreciates that you took the time to read and comment. Thanks !!!

    • Why, quite the contrary – I’m perfectly content as a realist. I’d rather be heartless than brainless. Besides, what is life worth if we can’t laugh at the utterly ridiculous? Humor is what makes me happy. You’ll soon find out that the movies aren’t actually true to real life, and then you’ll find humor in poking fun at romance with me!! Thanks for reading 🙂

  2. True to the rain soaked core !!! So sorry you have become so jaded at such a young age and stage of life – but everything you say is right on. Between the movies and TV – is it any wonder that so many young women are so terribly disappointed with their own love lives ??? But come on – some of the stuff they try to portray as “real life ” is just laughable. Thoroughly enjoyed this post and I know under all the humor – you really AREN’T kidding !!!

      • I can think of the rainy scene in P and P where Mr. D professes his love in that little gazebo type thing – but no cars. I can think of a nice moment between Anne and Gil in the rain in yet another gazebo type dwelling – but still no cars. I think you got me – where is the rainy car love professing scene from?

  3. I found this post to be especially entertaining. Nice work! But while I agree with you on some of them, I have to disagree on a couple in particular.

    Number 1, the shopping bags. I understand what you’re saying and I’m sure I annoy my gf when shopping with her, but I always carry the bags, not out of thoughts that she can’t handle it, but just for respect towards her. I’ll hold them so she can wander freely around and check everything out without having to carry all the items which she already found. I’m positive she can handle it, but I just do it to be nice. Basically I’m trying to make her shopping time with me more enjoyable by holding the good and staying out of the way. lol.

    Number 2, flowers. I know They are overdone, I know they are typical. But flowers really seem to brighten her up whenever I bring some home or surprise her with them. While I admit, I don’t buy flowers much at all, when I do, she really loves them. I know this because if I don’t, she’ll get upset that I never buy her flowers. So I guess it’s a personal preference for the girl on that one.

    You should write a post about what things aren’t corny and work to make her smile! I could always use the advice. haha.

    • So glad you enjoyed – and it’s nice to have some feedback from the male perspective!! I should have added that there are some caveats, such as: If I’m carrying 10 shopping bags, and you have 1, then you’re more-than-welcome to help! haha I must admit that from what I can gather, your bag-carrying efforts do seem to be upstanding, rather than totally cheesed out, and I’m sure your gf appreciates them!! Plus, keep in mind that these are just my personal views (outwardly just humorous, but deep down true-to-life), and I know a lot of girls out there disagree! Like you said, a lot of it has to do with personal preference (i.e. the flowers) – I’d hate to be known as the girl who ended flower-buying for all woman-kind! And stay tuned for that non-corny-romance post – it’s coming!!! Thanks for the comment!

  4. Have to admit – My first thought was also, “wow – why so bitter?” But, personally knowing the maid and her humor, I did get a chuckle from this one! I know where the potted geraniums and hydrangea bush came from – I guess you guys are still getting pots done and trying to figure out what to plant in the chimney bed!!
    I agree on the rain comment, stopping by in the middle of the night (I mean sleep is hard enough to come by – don’t wake me up – ping me for goodness sake) and the face touching – don’t even go there!! One that you forgot – the morning kiss…. I mean who dares to lip lock first thing in the am – WITHOUT brushing their teeth??
    But ….I guess I am a bit of a hopeless romantic though – I still like the door to be opened for me, help wth heavier bags, and the occasional bouquet of flowers but I did get a smile out of having to stop to find a vase!
    Keep “em coming MNM……

    • How could I forget the morning kiss?? Such a classic – always shown in movies, but really rather disgusting when thought about in real-life terms!! As I just mentioned in another comment, I forgot to say in the post that there are some caveats, such as the bag-carrying (if I have 10 bags and he has 1, then there’s a problem!!). And, of course, the flowers are definitely one of my more quirkier romantic turn-offs that many girls would disagree with! Glad you enjoyed!!!!

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