Hippies are just conventional people wearing patterned vests

The hippies are coming

**Disclaimer: some of the views/events described/depicted may be largely fictionalized…But it’s funny.**

The last time we spoke about face wash, I had just gotten over a horrifying embarrassment at the hands of the Trader Joe’s naturists.  This time, I get back at them.

Last September, I whipped up an awesome, natural face wash.  It smells amazing, foams up nicely, washes away easily and, with a dash of olive oil, it’s quite moisturizing.  It has a rather unappetizing greenish-brownish tint to it, but don’t let that hinder your regard!  This is a face wash that you will enjoy.   And contrary to popular predictions, this face wash did NOT cause me to break out in festering hives or bulbous pustules.

As soon as I had this lovely product neatly packaged in a recycled container, off I went to Trader Joe’s.  It was a Tuesday after work, and I was looking overly professional in my black pants, heels, and crisp striped shirt.

I marched straight through the doors, a black business portfolio (bought specifically for the occasion) placed in the crook of my arm.  My heels clanked authoritatively up and down each aisle, as I checked my email and glanced at my watch.

Four young ladies in mid-calf lace-ups with backpacks full of board games backed into a display of Aloo Chaat Kati Pouches at the sight of a conformist in their midst.

A couple in plaid, who had been arguing over the virtues of Trader Joe’s Cherry Juice as compared to a similar product at their local Co-Op, let the jar of juice crash to the floor before regaining their composure and kindly asking if I needed directions.

I did not.  I was on my way to the register with my oat bran, thank you very much.  Once there, the dreadlocked cashier asked if I had any reusable b-

“A-Ha!” I screeched, ripping 20 burlap sacks out of my portfolio and tossing them about the store.  “A-Ha!”

Out of my purse, I pulled an 8.5-ounce bottle of Trader Joe’s Spa Face Wash.

“All you hippies – you think you’re so great with your – your – your shredded wheat and your organic apple juice!  And you make me feel TERRIBLE for forgetting my reusable bags!  IT WAS ONE TIME!  But THIS!  This face wash – this NATURAL face wash!  It costs $0.81 per ounce and you think that’s a DEAL?  Well I made my own for almost HALF that!  A-Ha!  I BEAT YOU ALL!!  AND I’M TAKING THESE BAGS BACK!”

Utter silence.  I scrambled the bags up from the floor, cleared my throat and limped out.  I had lost a heel, my hair was mussed, and my shirt tail was half un-tucked.  Apparently triumph looks like someone who just rolled out of bed.

As I passed by the door, I heard one of the four board game girls whisper to her friend, “Who eats shredded wheat anyway?”

Here’s the cost breakdown:

Store Bought:

  • Olay (7 oz): $4.97
  • PER OUNCE: $0.71/oz


  • Oats (18 oz): $1.99
  • Tea: N/A
  • Water: N/A
  • Coconut Oil (16 oz): $12.19
  • Olive Oil (16 oz): $5.44
  • Honey (8 oz): $4
  • Guar Gum (8 oz): $3.99
  • Tea Tree Oil (0.5 oz): $6
  • Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap (16 oz): $9
  • Aloe Vera Gel (12 oz): $3.97
  • TOTAL (94.5 oz): $45.58
  • PER OUNCE : $0.48/oz

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2 thoughts on “Hippies are just conventional people wearing patterned vests

  1. I was uncomfortable in my seat just reading about your adventure into Trader Joe’s. As for me – I have never had the nerve to step into said place of business – it just seems too intimidating. I really don’t enjoy going into places that make me feel inadequate and lacking – be it a store, restaurant etc. I’ve cautiously walked by and peered into the entryway of Trader Joe’s a few times on my way into the Barnes and Noble next door – even made eye contact with a few patrons as they are leaving with their recycled bags and wheat germ – but their silent scoffing was enough for me to head the other way. They aren’t all plaid and flannel though – some seem to be preppy dressed young parents carrying bags of natural this and organic that to feed their young ones – as if a fresh banana from Walmart wouldn’t do just as well. Some even have their little ones in tow – as if they are on an outing to the zoo or something. I mean where else would those lucky kids want to be on a Saturday morning??? Anyhow – I commend you on your courage to venture into the unknown ( real or imagined ). As usual – you got me to thinking . Good luck with the face wash!!

    • I guess if we’re being honest, I’ve only been to TJ’s a handful of times. However, I can totally imagine some preppy parents dragging their J. Crew-clad children there (especially considering the location of the one closest to us). But even though I rag on Trader Joe’s, I must say it’s all in good fun – TJ’s is a good place to find natural products/alternatives that you may not be able to get in regular stores…as long as you can put up with all the hippies lol

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