**Disclaimer: some of the views/events described/depicted may be largely fictionalized…But it’s funny.**
Last September, I whipped up an awesome, natural face wash. It smells amazing, foams up nicely, washes away easily and, with a dash of olive oil, it’s quite moisturizing. It has a rather unappetizing greenish-brownish tint to it, but don’t let that hinder your regard! This is a face wash that you will enjoy. And contrary to popular predictions, this face wash did NOT cause me to break out in festering hives or bulbous pustules.
As soon as I had this lovely product neatly packaged in a recycled container, off I went to Trader Joe’s. It was a Tuesday after work, and I was looking overly professional in my black pants, heels, and crisp striped shirt.
I marched straight through the doors, a black business portfolio (bought specifically for the occasion) placed in the crook of my arm. My heels clanked authoritatively up and down each aisle, as I checked my email and glanced at my watch.
Four young ladies in mid-calf lace-ups with backpacks full of board games backed into a display of Aloo Chaat Kati Pouches at the sight of a conformist in their midst.
A couple in plaid, who had been arguing over the virtues of Trader Joe’s Cherry Juice as compared to a similar product at their local Co-Op, let the jar of juice crash to the floor before regaining their composure and kindly asking if I needed directions.
I did not. I was on my way to the register with my oat bran, thank you very much. Once there, the dreadlocked cashier asked if I had any reusable b-
“A-Ha!” I screeched, ripping 20 burlap sacks out of my portfolio and tossing them about the store. “A-Ha!”
Out of my purse, I pulled an 8.5-ounce bottle of Trader Joe’s Spa Face Wash.
“All you hippies – you think you’re so great with your – your – your shredded wheat and your organic apple juice! And you make me feel TERRIBLE for forgetting my reusable bags! IT WAS ONE TIME! But THIS! This face wash – this NATURAL face wash! It costs $0.81 per ounce and you think that’s a DEAL? Well I made my own for almost HALF that! A-Ha! I BEAT YOU ALL!! AND I’M TAKING THESE BAGS BACK!”
Utter silence. I scrambled the bags up from the floor, cleared my throat and limped out. I had lost a heel, my hair was mussed, and my shirt tail was half un-tucked. Apparently triumph looks like someone who just rolled out of bed.
As I passed by the door, I heard one of the four board game girls whisper to her friend, “Who eats shredded wheat anyway?”
Here’s the cost breakdown:
- Olay (7 oz): $4.97
- PER OUNCE: $0.71/oz
- Oats (18 oz): $1.99
- Tea: N/A
- Water: N/A
- Coconut Oil (16 oz): $12.19
- Olive Oil (16 oz): $5.44
- Honey (8 oz): $4
- Guar Gum (8 oz): $3.99
- Tea Tree Oil (0.5 oz): $6
- Dr. Bronner’s Castile Soap (16 oz): $9
- Aloe Vera Gel (12 oz): $3.97
- TOTAL (94.5 oz): $45.58
- PER OUNCE : $0.48/oz