Wednesday Morning at 5 O’Clock as the Day Begins

Billy Campbell, I need your help.  You, John, George, Ringo, and anybody else who helped you. 

You must know all about concealer.  After all, you did win the Paul McCartney look-alike contest, and subsequently succeeded in convincing the entire world that you are actually Paul when, in fact, (SPOILER ALERT!) the poor man died in a tragic car accident at 5am on Wednesday November 9, 1966.

Now the “Paul Is Dead” rumor, like all thrilling Hollywood rumors, is supported by a solid body of compelling (one might even say indisputable) evidence.  Did you know they also say Elvis Presley is alive?  Going to Starbucks and taking advantage of early bird specials at Denny’s just like he’s a regular guy.

But what I need from Billy is his concealer recipe, and honestly, I’m not that picky – I’ll take anything.  At first I had my heart set on something useful, something effective, something marketable.  Now I’ll settle for anything that doesn’t look like cat vomit.

Making homemade concealer is proving more difficult than finding a date to prom in a high school that knows you as “the crazy horse girl.”  I could probably conjure up gold faster than I can whip up an all-natural concealer.  Every attempt I come up with turns out more unappetizing than the last.  It’s like that meatloaf I attempted last weekend.  It comes out a strange consistency, looks startlingly like something that does not belong outside the human body, and (for some reason) no one wants to try it.

And it doesn’t help that my old standby for all-natural recipes – the omnipotent internet – seems remarkably quiet on this front.  I’ve scoured reputable hippie homemade sites for days, and I’ve yet to find a recipe that does not involve store-bought powder foundation or a bunch of oxides.  Turns out that in the world of homemade cosmetics, oxides are king – titanium di-oxide, zinc oxide, iron oxide, you name it.  However, there must not be an incredible demand for the oxides, because they’re not available in my local Walmart.  Thus, they have been deemed “inaccessible.”

After a good five attempts, the product I ended up settling on is one that, in all honesty, doesn’t work great and is a heck of a lot more difficult to apply than my preferred store brand.  My measurements are very approximate, because by the fifth concoction, I had begun to mix ingredients quite haphazardly.

  • ¼ tsp cocoa butter
  • 20 drops Vitamin E Oil
  • 1/8 tsp Guar Gum
  • 3/8 tsp Corn Starch
  • Pinch of Cocoa Powder
  • ¼ tsp zinc oxide cream

Probably not Billy Campbell’s exact recipe, but the color is a bit gray, so I’ve got to be somewhere close.  Turn me on, dead man.


6 thoughts on “Wednesday Morning at 5 O’Clock as the Day Begins

  1. Your paul is dead reference made me remember the time when you were playing all those freaking song backwards and telling me about conspiracy theories about the Beatles for your class. FREAKY.

    • LOL I can’t believe you remember that!! I would sit up late at night (bc we all know I can’t start working until 3am) and listen to the songs backwards on youtube. Bad idea bc then I could never go to bed! haha

  2. Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place. Hippie sites for concealer??? No way – everybody knows hippies don’t touch the stuff – preferring the “au natural” look.

    As for the meatloaf reference – I concur – never touch the stuff!!!

    • Hmmm so true! Many hippies probably don’t even bathe, let alone wear makeup… However, I have long since given up on finding a natural concealer recipe. I’m going to move on to trying to get rid of the things I want to conceal. Perhaps that will work better, seeing as I would no longer even need concealer. And, in the end, wouldn’t that be the most hippie-ish thing to do?

  3. I’m glad you can’t find a concealer recipe. I would hate for you to start concealing your face ……….. the chocolate foundation stuff, yes, I like that …… but no concealer. Any BTW, Elvis died???????????

    • No, no – the point is, Elvis LIVES!!! Paul, on the other hand, is very much dead. Maybe we could pull out some of the old Beatles records down the basement and play them backwards?

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