Well, several more weeks have gone by, and I still look like a bandit. Not for a lack of trying. Oh, how I’ve tried! I’ve tried tirelessly to ditch this look, but it simply won’t be ditched.
For about the past month, I’ve been trying to find a natural remedy to cure dark undereye circles. I’m not going to lie – this is a severe problem for me. It’s the only thing – besides excessive perspiration, oily hair, dry hair, bad hair, blowing my nose in public, eating in public, and Sasquatch legs – that I feel self-conscious about. I’ve had them my whole life, or at least as long as I can remember. By the time I was 10 years old, I looked like a hardened drug addict.
As I got older, I began experimenting with cover-up and eventually developed the monstrosity of a regimen that I follow today. Rather than take up the rest of your day, let’s just say it involves powder foundation, two liquid cover-ups (in varying shades of pale), and two varieties (eggshell and champagne) of eye shadow. Being obsessive can get kindof exhausting.
After trying a natural lemon-juice lightener, which failed, my next try took me to green tea bags. The idea is to apply cooled, caffeinated green tea bags to your eyes twice a day for 15-minute intervals. Not being much of a morning person, I applied twice at night. This became particularly fun when I was trying to watch TV in the evenings. Imagine me sitting on the couch with my head flung back and two tea bags over my eyes, while Carrie narrated every moment of the Lifetime original movie “A Sister’s Nightmare.” Actually, you probably don’t have to imagine…I think Carrie has pictures of that.
The exciting part was that the tea bags actually worked…initially. I recorded noticeable differences directly after treatment – reduced circles and brighter eyes. The results, however, faded; when I treated at night, my circles were back by morning.
I suppose it could be an effective treatment if used first thing in the morning but, you see, I have no time for this. I’m far too busy applying powder foundation and liquid cover-up and eggshell eye shadow to meddle with eradicating dark circles. You can’t mess with my undereye routine; you just can’t.