Carrie has finally done it. After all I did last week cleaning the bathroom, she’s turned me over to the authorities.
I’m writing this from a maximum security prison. They don’t usually let you have laptops, but the guards are MNM fans. I keep asking myself how I ended up in the joint. And then I ask myself if prisoners even call it “the joint” anymore. And then I remind myself to toughen up, because these ladies all probably want to shiv me in the yard. And then I ask myself, again, why I’m here when I clearly don’t even know the correct prison slang.
It started last week. I came home one day to find the police waiting for me. They told me I was under arrest for a Psycho-inspired shower killing. As they dragged me away, I screamed: “But I didn’t do anything! What is this about??”
“I know what you did!” Carrie cried. “You murdered Janet Leigh in there!”
“Janet Leigh died in 2004!” I yelled, struggling against my handcuffs. “And why would I murder her?”
“Why else would you clean the bathroom?” Carrie shouted back, pointing a defiant and accusatory finger toward the upstairs lavatory. “You psycho!!”
Despite the fact that I’m now in prison, I call this a win. Who knew that my homemade bathroom cleaners would be powerful enough to create a shine so spotless that it looks like Norman Bates took a stab at our shower curtain and then covered it up! I have to tell you, I certainly didn’t. Homemade scouring powder is all fine and dandy, but it definitely doesn’t pack the same punch that Comet does. Here’s my recipe:
- 1 cup Baking Soda
- 1/2 cup Borax
- 1/4 cup salt
- 1 pack sugar-free lemonade mix (optional)
- 2 Dandelion flowers, crushed (optional)
Although the lemonade mix creates some fizz, this recipe doesn’t foam up like a conventional cleaner, and it took more than a little extra elbow grease to bring out the same shine in our tiles. It also was missing some grit. With Comet, I can rough up the bottom of my tub like I’m scrubbing it with sandpaper, but my homemade cleaner just doesn’t seem abrasive enough. I kept dumping more in to feel like I was getting a true clean, but, really, I just ended up in a sandbox of miscellaneous white powders. I used up almost an entire batch of this stuff in my first go-round. Clearly, some changes are in order.
First of all, I think I’ll swap the Baking Soda and Borax amounts. Borax is grittier, and I think it would do the job better. I also want to add a higher salt ratio to the mix and use a coarser product. The reason I added the salt was for abrasion, but it was obviously too fine to do its duty. If you want more scrubbing bubbles, I’ve read that a grated bar of soap mixed into the recipe can make all the difference. I skipped this step though, because, frankly, I was just too lazy to grind another bar of soap down to the nubbins with our vegetable peeler.
All in all, I’m giving Scour Power a half-win. It did clean the bathroom eventually…with a lot of manual labor. I think my proposed changes will make Scour Power 2.0 a much more satisfying and easy-to-use product. However, if you like to exercise in your bathroom, I think I just invented your next workout. You’re welcome.